The most common knee-jerk reaction for anyone hearing a friend or loved-one is going to go through a divorce is to encourage them to get a “good lawyer”. This misguided information is based on the mistaken belief that since a divorce involves a legal proceeding, a lawyer is the most important person to consult.

 

                It was not that far back in history that doctors would treat any internal injury or illness by draining blood from the patient on the sincere belief that evil spirits in the blood were making the patient sick.

 

                The role that the law plays in a divorce is an important one and the advice and counsel of a skilled lawyer can be invaluable. However, the key and critical ingredient that clients need at the point of decision to divorce is constructive communication. Typically, because of the deterioration of the relationship dynamic, the clients are not able to do that on their own. When lawyers are the first professionals that clients turn to, the lawyers begin to communicate for them and they do so in the language of the court system and the law.

 

                As a mirage creates the image of relief in the desert, this form of communication only creates the appearance of protection and safety. Real protection and real safety can only come from the clients not from externally imposed restraining orders and threats of litigation.

 

                As a mediator, I begin by educating the parties about how they can best protect their own self-interests. It begins with a commitment to work together in a structured setting with rules and agreements that insure that create a safe environment and a protected process within which each party can work towards a successful agreement.

 

                When one client consults with, or retains his or her own lawyer, the distance between the two spouses is lengthened by the different pictures that each client paints of the domestic circumstances and the different responses that each lawyer gives to his or her client. When each client is finished telling his/her story and each lawyer is finished assessing his/her circumstances, the clients are not one millimeter closer to resolving things than they were before. 

 

                When this same dynamic takes place in the structured setting of mediation, I am able to see the scope of the disagreement and begin establishing the framework of constructive responses to the issues. That response includes respectfully engaging with each of the client’s perspectives to find out the most important interests that must be satisfied in order to achieve the best agreement. Following that discussion, the next task is to identify all of the options that are available to resolve the issues, including the options provided by the law. Next is an examination of the consequences of each of those options. This is a critical step in educating and empowering the clients to be able to make their best and most important choices. When these steps have been accomplished, the only thing left to do is negotiate from the choices that have been developed into a resolving agreement.

 

                At The Mediation Center, all of this is done with much help and assistance as each client needs. Safety comes from the combination of: 

 

·                     Full disclosure and supervised examination of all relevant information using the same standard for disclosure that the law requires in litigation;

 

·                     A commitment to the full development of all possible outcomes and agreements in a conversation that separates exploration from negotiation to insure that simply talking about a particular outcome does not mean that either party is agreeing to it;

 

·                     Careful analysis of the immediate, short-term, and long-term consequences of any particular possible solution, including the tax implications of all financial decisions, prior to entering into any agreement;

 

·                     Collective and individual assistance with all aspects of the divorce process. When necessary and helpful, individual sessions can be included, as well as the shared sessions that form the basic model of mediation;

 

·                     The opportunity to consult with and get advice from one’s own lawyer regarding all aspects of the process and any proposed agreements.

 

As not all lawyers and doctors are the same, the same is true for mediators. As an attorney and Family Law Specialist, Certified by the State Bar Board of Legal Specialization, I have been mediating divorces since 1980. The strategic process structure which I offer clients has evolved from the experiences of somewhere in excess of three thousand divorce mediations in that time. They flow from these simple objectives:

 

·                     Help the clients understand the benefits of keeping control over their own lives, their families, and their finances;

 

·                     Help them overcome the powerful and damaging emotional forces that—left unchecked—will guarantee damaging consequences to everyone affected by the divorce, particularly children;

 

·                     Help them create a safe process within which to do the critically necessary work by demonstrating how it is in their mutual self-interests by subordinating their emotional needs to their pragmatic needs for safety, solutions, and success.

 

 For more information, contact us at 831-429-9721 and ask for Lucy Gowan ♦